In the darkness,

I need something to make me feel good.
Or better, I'll even take better.
I need something to make me feel anything but this.
I need someone who understands.
I need someone who know when it doesn't feel right,
and pays attention
to everything I have to say,
and everything that I don't do.

I need to write it out,
and if I could, I would write a song.
But even poems are a long shot right now,
given my rusty brain.

I should have known something like this would have happened.
I was just trying to make something out of nothing,
and all it got me was
this.


I know that this is all going to pass.
At least in my brain I know it.
But the thing is,
it doesn't feel like it's going to.
It doesn't feel like anything but shit right now.
And, I'm probably taking myself too seriously,
but I guess that's just how I do things,
and I don't know
know
any other alternative.

This,
amongst the immense mess/mass of everything,
renders insignificant.
But this
this
is overwhelming my everything.
Everything.

I don't know what to do,
but just
please,
please, make it go away.

"Sometimes a flat-footed sentence is what serves, so you don’t get all writerly: 'He opened the door.' There, it’s open." ~Amy Hempel

I don't know how long it's been since I've posted.
And I doubt anyone ever reads this shit anymore.
But honestly, it doesn't really matter to me either way.
It's time to do my yearly new year resolutions!

In order of importance:

#1 Don't be afraid.
2011 is going to be filled with a never ending supply of challenges. I pray in that in all things, I'll remember 2 Timothy 1:7, For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love and self-discipline. I won't let my stupid fears and insecurities get the better of me, and I really truly mean it this time. I have great faith that God has to much in store for me this year, and I want to see how much I can do. I want to make Him happy. God, I hope I make you happy.

#2 Remember God.
He is my rock when I'm all up in my head, thinking it's all me.
He is my encourager, if my past condition relapses and I go back to my past.
There's just too much and I don't know how to say it all, 'cause I haven't yet experienced it first hand just yet.

#3 Save money
This is for practical reasons.

Hope that at the end of 2011, I'll look back and realize these resolutions.

I'm scared.
I don't really know what I'm scared of,
since I have a tendency to
disguise it under something else.
but you know what,
2 Timothy 1:6-7
God has not given us the spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

For He is exalted.
I love Him
so
so much.
And I realize I shouldn't be scared.
I couldn't write it,
cause I guess I knew,
deep deep down
that I wasn't done with it yet.

Give all the honour.
It;s no use trying to force the feeling out
cause at some point
eventually,
you'll realize that
it's never going to come out
if it was never there in the first place.

Don't go expecting the high
cause then you'll get distracted by the low.