Entry title:
Date / Time : Wednesday, November 25, 2009 / 3:49 PM
You start on a fresh, new page. You don't understand, you don't know why. You just can't seem to be able to write what you feel so vividly, so real and so raw forcing itself right out of you. You can't wait to just have it down, real and not let it escape, but yet you can't find the words. You stop for a moment, and try to push something, ANYTHING, out for the bellows of your stomach, but yet it just seals itself back up. You sit and wait. You sit and wait for a miracle, yet, you give up before anything happens. Please, let SOMETHING happen. PLEASE. You're just so, so.. Uh. You curl up your fingers and store them underneath your palms, for that instant. Suddenly, you feel so empowered. Even as you uncurl them, and let them brush, ever so forcefully against the buttons of the keyboard, pressing down one or two of the keys. You know that you can write. The feelings locked up inside of you are just waitinjg, waiting for the chance to just burst through those evasive, yet so, so real, unmistakeable boundaries.
Entry title:
Date / Time : Saturday, November 21, 2009 / 2:43 PM
It's going to be alright, and no matter how many people say that that's a lie, it's not. And you know it. Maybe I'm using this to console myself, but it's not working anyway. I don't like things fanciful, and you know that I've always wanted something. Something else, that is. I'll still have to bear with it, so whats the point, really. It's been raining these past few days, and its wonderful. Absolutely wonderful. I love the raining. I think everyone looks stunning in the rain. And even if they're crying, you won't be able to tell anyway. Yeah, so I was walking back from parkway yesterday, and I just refused to use the umbrella. Why stay dry (or semi-dry, cause we all know that umbrella don't really work), when you can just enjoy the water?
Entry title:
Date / Time : Saturday, November 14, 2009 / 10:20 AM
Fine. She deserves it anyway. Give it to her, and throw me to a dark and empty corner (that has a full view of what's going on) and let me suffer in silence. She didn't work hard (like I did). There's no way she could have gotten those results (unless...). I don't understand why she could have achieved it so easily (but I suspect that she...). I know that life's unfair (but why can't it ever be unfair in my favour?). And guess what. She's gonna get everything she's ever wanted (and there's nothing ever left for me). It doesn't make it okay for her to get everything she (wants) just because I have what I (need). She's better than me (but you needn't have to smack that in my face). But I'm not going to back down (because I deserve it more than she does). It may not be rightfully mine (but then again, it's not rightfully hers either). Maybe she has got it in her (and I don't).
They recycled their paper, Their cans and their plastic, transforming old junk into something fantastic!
Entry title:
Date / Time : Tuesday, November 10, 2009 / 9:52 PM
Well. I'm really tired right now. I spent the entire afternoon with Tyne exercising in the East Coast. We ran a little bit then skated a while and stuff, then we had dinner at the Hong Kong restaurant.
I had some stuff to write about, but unless I really try really hard, it probably wouldn't sound so good. The holidays are starting and the year's ending. I feel nothing. I wish I had nothing to worry about. I wish I was spontaneous. I wish I could live in the moment.
I realized something today when I went for dinner today. It was heartening. Happy, and at ease.
I want to just live and let live. I want to have fun. I want the pressing motion in my head to stop itself and for my head to stop throbbing.
Entry title: Attack of the Grape Slushies
Date / Time : Thursday, November 5, 2009 / 7:40 PM
It's been a week for me. A week full of bracing myself for the worst. A week of hoping and then being disappointed. A week of failures, foetal positions and forced numbing. I can take some more. I know I can. There has to be more to come, I'm sure of it. Those things just seem to happen to me. I'm not prepared, but I have to be. I have to expect it, and hold my breath until I feel it smash against my face like a grape slushie and slop downwards. Until I can breathe. And then, I wait for another attack. I don't know what to do to help it, or even if I can. It just seems as though there's always a person in the world living so that all the bad things can happen to them, so that the rest of the good things can happen to everyone else, and I'm just that person. I'm that stupid peanut M&M in a pack of milk ones, the one that no one wants, the one that just seems to be there just for the sake of it, and it's justified that it's ignored, it's taken for granted that it's there. I'm not okay. I'm not okay. I feel like puking. I want to forget it. So badly. Pretend that nothing ever happened and all as it was supposed to be. But as I get fuller and fuller, and my the food in my unfinished bowl gets more and more each time, I don't feel gratified, I don't feel better, and I slunk.
Slunk [verb]- wallowing in self pity, because you genuinely feel bad about yourself. 'Bob had lost his job. He tried every means to cheer himself up but he just seemed to slunk.' Slunker, Slunking.
I'm very much prepared.
So what if it hurts me So what if I break down So what if this world just throws me off the edge My feet run out of ground I gotta find my place I wanna hear my sound Don't care about all the pain in front of me I just want to be Happy
"Welcome to New York City's Upper East Side, where my friends and I live and go to school and play
and sleep - sometimes with each other. We all live in huge apartments with our
own bedrooms and bathrooms and phone lines. We have unlimited access to money
and booze and whatever else we want, and our parents are rarely home, so we have
tons of privacy. We're smart, we've inherited classic good looks, we wear
fantastic clothes, and we know how to party. Our shit still stinks, but you
can't smell it because the bathroom is sprayed hourly by the maid with a
refreshing scent made exclusively for us by French perfumers. It's a lux life,
but someone's got to live it.
You know you love me,
-gossip girl"
TAGBOARD
QUOTES
You lift my feet off the ground Spin me around You make me CRAZIER, CRAZIER
Doubt that the stars are fire, doubt that the sun doth move his asides, doubt truth to be a liar, but never doubt I love.
